Hummingbird House by Kenzie Cade

Author:Kenzie Cade [Cade, Kenzie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dreamspinner Press
Published: 2014-11-22T00:00:00+00:00

With all my love,

Grammy

I stared down at the letter in front of me, blurry through the tears in my eyes. It had been waiting for me on the kitchen table when I’d returned home from Christmas shopping. I suspected Callum of leaving it at first, but I hadn’t seen him the past three days, and I didn’t think Callum would risk getting caught when he was so obviously avoiding me.

Callum, who had apologized and—what?—said he was gay? I still wasn’t sure. And I was more confused than ever.

Now this. Now Astrid, laying bare my faults. I could see the urn resting on the mantle from where I sat at the scarred wooden kitchen table. In the spring, when the flowers were in bloom, I planned to have a memorial service and release her ashes at the top of the hill where the house, the church, and the pond were all visible. It had been Astrid’s favorite spot. But for now, she rested in Hummingbird House, the home of her heart.

“I know you just want me to be happy, but I don’t know if I remember how without you here to tell me.” Once again, tears welled behind my eyes. Somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten how to live. Since Astrid had been diagnosed, my happiness revolved around her good days. I didn’t remember what it was like to live for myself. And I felt selfish even wanting to do so.

But maybe that life wasn’t cut out for me. The life of happiness. It’s not that I didn’t want it. I simply didn’t know if I could handle it. For as long as I could remember, I’d stood in my own way and sabotaged (albeit subconsciously—I thought) every relationship I’d ever had. Heavily, I sat back with a huff. And it all started with Callum. The one guy who was so unattainable I couldn’t help myself, couldn’t stop myself from proving what I’d always known—that I wasn’t worth it. Wasn’t worth the time. Wasn’t worth the fight. Wasn’t worth the effort.

I’d always known it. Hell, my mother had drilled it into my head for as long as I could remember. But then there was Callum. And he was nice to me and funny, and I had only wanted to hope, to feel a fraction of the happiness and belonging Callum exuded, so I’d done it. I’d kissed him when our guards were down, and for the briefest of moments, I’d basked in the feeling of being wanted. Until I wasn’t, and it was all over, and I knew, as I’d always known, that I’d never be good enough, never be special or lovable enough for that kind of love.

The only place I belonged, had ever belonged, was with Astrid. No one in my life had ever loved me, not really. No one but Astrid. So I dove into the role of caretaker and gave everything to her that she had given to me. She’d taken me when I had nowhere else to go.

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